Learning How To Let Go

Lately I've been really thinking hard about why I care so much what people think about me and my life. Its a really weird thing because I literally do not care at all what strangers or random people think, its just the people I love. I've always had an issue with feeling really guilty and feeling like I've let people down if I don't or haven't done things or done it a different way. I know I should do things for myself because it's my life and i'm the one who has to face it and deal with the situation I'm in.

I don't think I've spoken about this before on my blog, but I have an older brother with a lot of various different mental difficulties. Growing up it was very very hard for me and my whole family coping and dealing with his random different outbursts and mental breakdowns. As so many things would happen with my brother, I was always expected to be the sibling who "has their shit together" and gets on and behaves etc. I've always found this pressure on myself to always try and be better and not ever find myself in a situation where I can ever be marginally compared in anyway to him whatsoever. I don't blame anyone for this pressure because I know I just put it on myself I know even if I tell myself that no one cares and no one thinks of it in the same way, for some reason I always do and I hate it.

Even when I was going through my time where I was suffering with severe depression and anxiety I still wanted to prove to everyone that it wasn't happening and that I was coping with it and I wasn't going to loose my shit. A few different things have been happening lately that have made me think why am I doing this? Or why am I pretending like I'm okay when I'm not? I have been in two different jobs recently that have really knocked me and made me feel so shit. I put myself through shit and tried to carry on with it even though I knew I absolutely hated every damn minute of it because I didn't want to let anyone down, and almost prove that I can actually do something. But what's the point? What's the point of putting yourself through that emotional stress for no reason at all. No one cares if I'm working somewhere or I'm not, they care if I'm unhappy and that's what I need to keep reminding myself. I've got installed in my brain that if things don't go perfect the first time and I'm not doing fucking fantastic in everything I do I'm a failure which is the complete opposite to how I act, and it's so wrong. No one has their shit together at 20, and if they do I'll bloody applaud them for it because it's fucking hard out here and real life's not easy and it doesn't' turn out the way you expect, but that's also the beauty of it.

I need to remind myself again and again that it is okay not to be okay, and it's perfectly fine to feel things! Everyone feels things differently and just because you might take a bit longer, that's okay too. I have a problem with feeling things too much. I get so emotionally involved in everything and I either feel it 100% or 0% there's no in between. If I feel strongly about something then my emotions do really play a big part in that. This is something that I also hide and want to change. I always feel like I hold onto things for too long and I shouldn't still be upset that happened a few weeks ,months, or even years ago but who the fuck cares as long as you can have time to get over it in your own way. You might take longer than someone else, but take longer because then at least you know you have let go. I use it as a "coping mechanism" to act like I'm over it because i think maybe then I will be until it all comes out one day, which is ridiculous i know which is why I'm going to change it.

I'm currently reading a book called "The Lifechanging Magic of Not Giving A Fuck" and literally everyone needs to read it because we all care so so much about what everyone else thinks about us and it's really just not even worth it. Its not worth the stress of it all and that's what I'm going to do, I'm going to work on doing everything I can to make me happy because at the end of the day it's my life and I'm living it. I absolutely fed up of living my life to please people and do or not doing things just to make them happy. Yeah of course don't be a dick for no reason but there is a line between doing what makes you happy and being a dick and I think we all know that. As long as you always approach is in the correct way do what makes you happy, it's your life so live it!

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