My Depression Story

This is something I haven't discuss on my blog but I fee like I really need to and this is the hardest blog post I've ever written. I have honestly really struggled with depression since I was about 14. I had a really difficult childhood which i felt like at the time I was just surviving and living through it as a young child. My parents divorced when I was 10 years old but obviously like all breakups things wasn't right for a while before. My depression started when I was 14 just after my grandad passed away. My grandad was a massive part of my life and such a big connection to my dad after he left. My grandad was really there for my family and my mum after my parents divorce and that was something that really made me even closer to him. It actually broke my heart when he died and i know it did for my dad too. A lot of things changed for me after he died and it made me realise and see a lot of things i had never seen before. I was very angry and very hurt and i hated everyone around me especially myself. Going through when I was 14, 15, and 16 were honestly the hardest years of my life. I was 14 when I started having an issue with myself I didn't understand what it was but I knew there was something that wasn't right with my mental state. I went through a lot of emotional trauma at school as when my parents divorced when I was 10/11 and my brother was having a psychological break down, I moved to the christian school and It couldn't have a worse time for me to be honest. It's funny how when you expect support from a school like that, they infact gave me the opposite. I was 10 years old and I had literally no one to talk to and I felt like instead of them helping and making me feel less shit about my life they made me feel alienated from them because everyone there had they're perfect christian families with no "worldly" issues.

So when I got to 14 and my grandad passed away, i started feeling more alone than ever and angry. I was angry that my dad left me and my mum and I was angry that my granddad was taken away from me, that my mum was remarried and i was on my own, and that I was stuck in a school that I hated with no one who understood me or what I was going through. One day I had enough of things and I just full on called my dad out on everything because I was so upset and angry with how shit my life was basically which no wasn't all my dads fault, but I felt like at the time he had contributed to a lot of it. Long story short we had a big argument about it and a lot of things were said which didn't exactly make me feel better about the whole situation and looking back it probably made it a lot worse. All of the hurt and anger made me hate myself so much and I started self harming at 14. Now I don't care what anyone says it's not because I was "emo" or going through an "emo stage" where all the kids do it to get attention, because as you can imagine no kids were emo at a bloody christian school! It's funny how I can still remember the first time I did it and the amount of sadness that I felt when I looked in the mirror and how much I hated myself and all i used to keep thinking in my head was am I that bad that my dad would hate me and leave me and that I've not got anyone who actually cares about me. I got diagnosed with Depression and Body dis morphia I absolutely hated everything about myself and just thought I was disgusting in everyway. Obviously when your going through that you always think the worst and I just didn't know what I could possibly do to get myself out of it.

This continued off and on for about 2/3 years and at my lowest I really did consider taking my own life becuase I just didn't know how on earth I could go on anymore and I'm actually in tears writing this becasue I am such a different person now. I didn't know what I was doing or who I was and I just didn't see the point of living anymore. In 2013 I moved classes at school and I had a new teacher and I can honestly say this is when my life changed. This is the only thing i am so so thankful for, for going to this school. At first I didn't bond with my new teacher much infact I wasn't even sure if i liked him, but as the months went on he actually took the time to talk to me and he was the only one who could actually see that I was messed up. I confided a lot in him and he made me feel like what I had to say actually mattered. He was the first person I told about my self harm and he actually got me help and counselling which with out that and him 1. I'd still be messed up and 2. I probably wouldn't even be here today.

I had counselling for about just under a year and I can honestly say that was one of the best things and the hardest things I ever did for myself. In those three years I had no contact with my dad which was really hard for me because my dad is one of closest people to me which is why i found it all so hard to deal with in the first place. But counselling really helped me to understand why I feel the way I do and what I can do to try and think differently about it and how to think in a more positive way even when i can see nothing but sadness. After I finished counselling I didn't self harm nearly as much as I first was, I'm not saying I've never done it since but it showed me that it's not the answer to solve your hurt.

Everything turned around for me after then and 2014 was my year. I really came out of myself that year and a lot of things changed for me and it was one of the strongest I've ever been. I started seeing my dad again which was really hard for me, I graduated school and I had a few boyfriends that year lol and most importantly it was the year I learnt how to love myself even when I feel like no one else loves me. I really think that's how you conquer depression, its about knowing and learning how much you really are worth. And that's why I am so great full even to this day after all these years later to my teacher who gave me the hope that I needed that life's not always going to be a way and things will always get better. So if your feeling so low and you don't think you can go anymore just keep going because you can and you've just got to push through the storm. Every time something good happens or I meet someone amazing now I always am so so proud of myself that I didn't give up on myself when I was 14/15 because I wouldn't be where I am now.

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